Six years ago, I was thrown out of the house by my husband (now ex husband) in a fit of something on Christmas Eve 2005. I was glad to be out of the marriage, but not glad to be out of the house as it was the end of December and flipping cold and I was having to live in a two berth caravan in the middle of a field. (It was all I had). Strange that I have family, but not one of my sisters offered me anywhere to stay. Anyway, in my usual fashion, being resourceful (which they all said was why they didn't worry about me - and anyway I had LOADS of friends didn't I?), I was busy chatting up some bloke on the internet who said he'd like to come to Wiltshire where I lived and see the place and of course meet me.
I decided nothing ventured nothing gained and I had nothing to lose anyway, so I booked a room for him at a local hotel and the afternoon of the day he was coming to visit (Friday 13th January) I went to the hotel room myself and enjoyed a lovely bath ( a real luxury when you're living in a caravan) and sat on the bed and read a book that someone had suggested I read.
When he arrived, after having worked all day and then driven 250 miles to be with me, it was pretty late but when he put his arms round me it all felt lovely and after he'd had a bath and I had made him a cup of coffee and he had given me a huge bouquet of flowers, we went to pub down the road and had a glass of wine, came back to the hotel and I stayed.
Well long story shortened - we have since had a relationship with me commuting weekly up and down to his native Yorkshire., I eventually moved to Yorkshire, we bought a property, renovated it but I hated living in Yorkshire. He then got made redundant, got offered a job down south at £6,000 a year less but took it, we moved to live in a damp cottage, eventually sold the property we had bought up in Yorkshire, (survived almost having it repossessed on the way), bought a new house in Gloucester, he's been made redundant again for three months, got re-employed by new owners of the business but at a loss of £1000 a year....
Sadly this afternoon, after all we have gone through together, and on the weekend that would have been our 6th anniversary weekend, we have had a row.
But before I tell you this, I also have to tell you that his car that was sorted out last week at the cost of £400, has had something else go wrong with it and this morning it had to go to the garage - and it's a bit serious. I don't know how much this session is going to cost, but it aint going to be cheap, so maybe he was a bit pissed off...well I know I was.
Right, the row..
Well, it wasn't really a row. It was me trying to explain that I needed something more than sitting at home watching tv. I am not a tv person. Last night I made him take me to the pub, but he sat for an hour making derogatory comments about a chavvy family, who were pumping coins into a machine that picks up and drops soft toys, except of course, that it didn't......it kept taking the money and then failing to grab the toys, or failing to hold onto them. Meanwhile the kids of the chavvy family were getting more and more excited thinking that the grab was going to this time pick up the toy and deliver it. Don't they know that those machines are set so that the grab is unable to keep hold of the toy due to the weight of the toy, which means it drops it back each time? God knows how much money the family must have pumped into that machine. They could have taken all the kids to Toys R Us and bought the flipping soft toys for them! Anyway, in my hope that we could 'talk' all he could do was watch the family's idiotic attempts. In the end I suggested that he moved round so he couldn't see them, which he did...but by that time we'd finished our drinks.
Now the row was about what I wanted to do tomorrow;
It all started with a text from my son to say he'd cleaned out the garage at my previous marital home and had found some stuff belonging to me in a trunk. I know this will be horse equipment, which my ex has been denying is there. Well, I could sell some of that and make some money for myself. So I suggested I come to Wiltshire to collect the stuff and take my son to see his gran....I bought this up with the husband.
I wanted to go to Wiltshire to collect said stuff and to collect my son and take him to see granny (lives a mile away from said son) - he could then collect his outstanding Christmas presents which are still there. And I wanted husband to go with me, but no, he himself decided that I was trying to plan his life for him. He wanted to stay behind and paint the window ledge in the front room.....we've lived here three years with that window ledge.....why does it HAVE to be painted tomorrow? I wanted him to come with me - I wanted to spend the time with him, the drive there and back is an hour each way,.....even if it was visiting my mum. It was only going to be a short visit, perhaps an hour, then we could have dropped son back home and gone on to somewhere. It's going to be a lovely day. It would just be lovely to go out. For once. I plead with him, thinking back to six years ago when he'd have gone ANYWHERE with me. Wouldn't have wanted me to go anywhere without him in fact. In the face of no strong argument, he says 'Okay'.
Then he goes into sulky mode. No, it's the not the first time. It won't be the last. Meanwhile I carry on cooking steak and chips, asking him to put the cutlery on the table, so we can eat properly with a glass of wine and maybe, just maybe talk to each other?. Of course, his eyes are pinned to the tv and although I have not raised my voice, inside I am SCREAMING. During my 'talk' I suddenly become aware that my temporary dental crown, which was fitted on Wednesday suddenly cracks, probably cos I am grinding my teeth, and it falls apart in my mouth, with me trying to fish the bits out so I don't choke. I return to the kitchen.
After a short while I suggest he comes into the kitchen and helps, so that we can talk. He comes and cuts up the chips, saying nothing and returning to the tv.
I dish up the dinner. It's lovely actually, but he eats only a bit of the steak, eats a few chips, pushes his salad around and take his plate to the kitchen and returns to the tv.
In turn, I stop eating.
I give up. I go upstairs and lie on the bed and read my book for an hour. Then I have a bath. I go downstairs and tell him that the water's still hot if he wants it.
I look in the kitchen at the abandoned dinners, and the cat is enjoying the uneaten steak. I take it from her and chase her out, then decide to not bother cleaning the kitchen but to see if he'll do it as an act of penance, and return to bed where I fall asleep. Eventually he comes to bed, at least he comes into our bed, not the spare room, but he couldn't be any further across the bed from me. I can't decide if I want him to cuddle me or not. Usually I would want him to cuddle up and I'd forgive him and all would be fine (until next time), but this time things feel different and I am aware that I am not sure if I want things to go back to normal or not.
It's a case of damage done I think. And I am going to offer my life up to the universe and let it sort it, cos I just dont know how to. Not this time. Now I can't sleep, which is why at 01.44 am I am sitting downstairs on my laptop updating this. Also have to add that despite eating less than usual I have not managed to lose even a pound in weight, but I think I shall have to go on a real diet like I did before, where I ate almost nothing, to lose the fat and get myself feeling better about myself.
I'd love a bonk quite honestly, but I know that if I was to invoke that I'd just feel used afterwards; so that's not going to happen. I find myself wondering if I could do better on the husband stakes.
